Well, DH and I have been doing a lot of talking about how far we are willing to go and honestly the answer seems to be not much farther. I am extremely blessed to have a wonderful husband who says that as long as he has me, that is all he needs to be happy. Although I think he would love to be a dad, I believe him when he says that he would be happy if it was just the two of us for the rest of our lives.
As for me....I am torn. Part of me really wants to be a mom. Wants to feel being pregnant. Wants to raise a baby from day one. But another part of me knows I have ever defined myself by my desire to be a mom. You hear people all the time say "all I ever wanted to be is a mom." I have complete respect for that, but it is not me. I have always wanted to go to school, have a great career, marry an amazing man and life a happy life. Right now I have that.
I worry about the emotional and if financial stress that more IF treatments will cause. I worry about losing myself in the IF chaos and depression again just when I am really starting to find true happiness in myself.
On the other hand, what if we decide not to continue to pursue treatments and I eventually regret it?
I am not a religious person but I do believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe we are meant to be adoptive parents and give a child a home who needs one. Maybe we are just meant to travel and grow old together.
The one thing I do know is that IF makes me feel like a failure. And for the first time in a while, during this break I feel good about myself and what I am doing.
Just getting some of this off my mind.
Just want to send a virtual hug. DH and I have had that talk a couple times too (usually after another failed cycle). We have ups and downs where sometimes we feel like we can't do this one more time and should just be thankful for all the wonderful things in our lives and be happy, but then other times stopping TTC doesn't even feel like an option to us! It's so hard to know what's right, especially with the pressure of the stress and financial issues. I feel like a failure with the IF and then stopping TTC feels like giving up and then I feel like I'm a failure with that too. There's no easy answer unfortunately but I'm glad to hear that you are feeling good about this break. Hang in there. (((Hugs!)))
ReplyDeleteThanks, Chickin. It helps to know others have had the same struggle.
ReplyDelete