So, here I am at 20 weeks pregnant (well, 20 weeks tomorrow) and I do not feel glowing, or beautiful, or whatever other adjective people use to describe how perfect pregnant women are.
There are lots of things that I did not expect in pregnancy and the body image issues are one of them. Honestly, I feel fat and uncomfortable in my own skin. My weight gain has been on the low side thanks to some hard core exercising so that is not the issue. But my clothes are getting tight and uncomfortable to wear. Things like my underwear don't fit anymore and my jeans make me feel huge even with a bella band which allows me to wear them unzipped and unbuttoned.
I don't feel glowing or lovely. I feel fat and ugly.
My husband tries to make me feel better by reminding me that it is not fat, it is baby and that this is a great thing. I understand that in my head. It is not like the last time I gained SO much weight where I was just depressed and eating and sitting on my ass. This time I have a GOOD reason to be outgrowing my clothes. But it is still a hard adjustment.
I think part of my problem is that I gained SO MUCH WEIGHT when we started TTC. I was a size 16/18 for the first time in my life. And I have worked HARD since last September to lose it. Before I got KU I lost 50+ lbs in about 6-7 months. I was a comfortable size 12 and was feeling good about myself for the first time in a while. So I know part of my problem is making the mental change. Going from counting every calorie and working hard to burn even more to keep the weight loss going to eating more calories every day than I have in a while. And even though I workout still, I am supposed to eat even more to account for those calories burned. I went from losing weight and dropping sizes and everyone telling me how great I looked to gaining weight, going up sizes, and feeling really self conscious.
I feel guilty for feeling this way because I feel like I should be able to separate normal weight gain from pregnancy weight gain and magically understand that this is all part of this wonderful part of my life. But in reality it isn't working that way.
Anyways, there was really no point to this other than to get it off of my chest.
NOTE: I have tried hard not to complain during this pregnancy as I know how hard it was to get here and how so many are struggling just to get to this point. But today I had to complain. Sorry.
I wish I could give you a big hug. As you know I'm feeling some similar emotions as you've described here, it's a tough mental hurdle. And then I feel guilty for feeling this way since we went through so much to get here, and I'm beyond thankful to be here, but that doesn't make the switch in my brain just shut off. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I wish I had some awesome words of advice or encouragement I could share, all I can say is that you are not alone. And to be completely honest with you, I think you and your bump are beautiful, seriously, you look fantastic! <3
ReplyDeleteAnd IMHO, but just because you struggled to get here doesn't mean you're not allowed to complain, I anticipate there are many complain-worthy times in my future! Allow yourself that, I've heard pregnancy is tough! Sending lots of love <3
This is one of my biggest fears about getting pregnant. I don't want to hate my body again. I used to weigh 70 lbs more than I do now and I am finally very comfortable in my own skin. When that skin gets bigger again, how will I feel? I think it is very normal for people in our situation to feel uncomfortable about gaining the baby weight no matter what your mind tells you. Hang in there. Hopefully, with some more mind over matter, you will be able to feel comfortable with the baby weight. It might be easier to think of it as a consolation; yes you are gaining weight but that is because your baby is healthy and growing! I agree with jaytee though, you look great AND complain away. You have earned it and from what I understand, pregnancy isn't easy. :) ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteYou are gorgeous, lady! And your baby girl is too :) she's probably going to come out doing Zumba moves in the delivery room just like her mama :) I can't imagine how hard it is to watch your body change like this. But you are in a great position to bounce back after the baby is born. I know this is completely different, but when I had to give up marathon running for IVF, I kinda spazzed out. I felt like I was losing all the hard-won fitness and muscle tone turned to mush. The biggest part of the fear was wondering how I'd get it back. But sure enough, it came back. The first few weeks felt like garbage. But the body remembers. Your amazing weight loss not only transformed your body, but more importantly, your mind. Your whole way of life is different. The best is yet to come!! Hang in there! And in the meantime, keep up the amazing work!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I can definitely relate to these feelings too. I expected this to happen, but I didn't think it would be until much later or maybe even after the baby was born. I haven't gained any weight yet, but I just hate my body. Between when I started the first IVF cycle in January until when I was 9 weeks pregnant in June, I was only allowed to exercise for about 4 weeks. I lost a lot of muscle tone. Staying in shape was something that helped me feel in control and good about my body while dealing with IF. I'm definitely bitter that this is just one more thing that IF has taken from me.
ReplyDeleteI think that you look amazing and beautiful in every picture you share, but I know that what you see and feel doesn't always line up with the way other people see you. And it sucks, but it's okay for you to feel that way sometimes. I hope that as time goes by the bad feelings will subside and the good feelings and excitement will start to outweigh them. Hugs <3
You ladies are so awesome. I cannot put into words how deeply moved I am by your sweet comments. I did not mean the post to come off as fishing for compliments so I hope it wasn't taken that way. I just cannot express how much I appreciate each of you. <3 <3 <3
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