Well, we are cycling....

So, I have kind of stepped away from all IF stuff, including this blog to really get an idea of what I wanted to do moving forward.  I have given lots of thought to living child free, adoption, cycling, etc. 

I have learned a lot about myself and what I think I could live with and be happy with, but I have also had some amazing talks with DH about what he wants and how he sees our life with and without kids. 

I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others.  I feel bad for even thinking of calling it quits when others have been through so much more or spent so much more money that we have.  I am working on acceptance of MY JOURNEY and understanding that we are all UNIQUE.  What I can, or am willing, to handle, may be very different what someone else can or is willing to endure.  I am trying very hard to accept myself for the limitations I have placed on this journey and not feeling guilty about the fact that I haven't done as much as others.  It is like saying I cannot complain about a broken bone because someone else has broken 5 and that hurts worse.  I have a right to my feelings and my emotions and to not compare myself to others.  This is the lesson I am working so hard on right now.  I have such guilt over considering not going forward in this journey but I am working on it and trying every day to come to peace with my emotions and decisions. 

I have been amazingly blessed by the generosity of others which have made it possible for DH and I to try this injects cycle.  Not just one person, but several amazing friends have family members have donated meds and other things to us to help us have this chance at a biological child.  I tear up every time I just think about how amazing these people are and how blessed I am to have them in my life.

So, the bottom line is we are cycling.  I am on bcps until February 12 when I have my suppression scan.  Assuming all looks good I will start low dose follistim followed by a trigger shot and TI.  We discussed with my RE that this may be the only cycle for us and whether he would recommend IUI vs. TI.  He said that with DH's numbers he doesn't see that it will make a big difference in our success rates.  DH is MUCH more comfortable with TI so that is how we plan to proceed -- obviously we have a little time to make the final decision but for now that is what we are doing. 

I have to be honest...I have very little hope this will work.  But that is okay.  I have learned to expect the worst but hope for the best and that is what I will do. 

DH and I decided that we are not going to try to predict how we will feel or what we will do if this cycle doesn't work.  We are going to look into what our options are and cross that bridge when we get there.

But for now. . . for today . . . we are back on the rollercoaster that is cycling and I am both terrified and excited.