Where to go from here. . .

The last few days have been a rollercoaster of emotions.  CD1 was Wednesday at only 8 dpo.  The original plan had been if I get AF on my own then we would do another cycle with only metformin but add another endometrial biopsy. 

I called my RE to schedule the biopsy and they questioned whether we should do one.  With as long as my cycle was, and the way the OPKs and AF played out they said they were almost sure the results would show I am still cycling "out of phase".  I agreed not to do another biopsy as they hurt like hell and insurance doesn't pay for it so it would just be a waste of my money. 

The next step would be to start bcps to suppress my ovaries, then do low dose follistim to stim followed by a trigger shot and TI. 

In the past everything we have done through my RE has been billed to our account and we pay it off in monthly installments.  We have always paid on time and in fact, are completely paid off right now.  Well, when discussing moving onto this injects cycle we were told that all costs had to be paid up front.  There would be no billing and paying as we go.  Apparently this has nothing to do with us but how their procedure works for certain types of IF treatment protocols.  This kind of is a game changer. 

Basically, we have to come up with a good deal of money really quickly if we want to cycle next month.  If we wait, we end up right back into the same problem with the endo we have been worried about all along. 

I was really upset yesterday after I got off the phone with the RE.  Like cried in my office with the door closed upset.  DH says "it shouldn't be this hard."  He is kind of leaning towards just calling it quits, and living child free -- or maybe exploring adoption at some point. 

I am torn.  Part of me thinks I would regret not at least trying one injects cycle.  On the other hand, it is only still a 20% we will get KU.  If we don't get KU we are out even more money than we already are and still have nothing to show for it but bumps, bruises, and injections marks. 

I am almost leaning towards calling it quits.  DH is right.  It shouldn't be this hard.  I don't know if I want to live like this any more or deal with this disappointment any more.  Don't get me wrong, I would love to be a mother . . . but we can still do that.  We could foster to adopt or look at other options for giving homes to kids that need them.  Or we could spend the rest of our lives living CF.  We could travel, and golf, and enjoy life just the two of us and I think we would both be okay with that. 

I hate that money plays such a big factor but it does.  We decided a long time ago we would not go into debt to have kids.  We have student loans and other things and didn't want to add to that.  Especially since if we had kids, when they get here they would require money! 
I went ahead and set up the suppression appointment with my RE for February 12th.  I will start the bcps while we decide what to do.  If we decide to call it quits I can just cancel the appt.

Today, right this moment, I don't know what we will do.  I kind of think this is the end of the TTC road for us.