I feel like I am stuck in limbo.
Second beta isn't until Monday -- almost a week after the first one. I have allowed myself to be a little excited about this bfp but I am still very cautions and anxious for second beta.
On top of that, I am in this weird place where I don't know where I fit on the internet boards I am so used to participating in. I feel like I shouldn't really still post of the 3T bump boards or on IDOB as much. But I am way too nervous and unsure to move over to the PAIF board or my BMB. So I am just kind of stuck. I think a lot of it is as a result of having to wait a week between betas. Most people have their second beta within 48-72 hours so they have that assurance of a second beta much quicker.
I have turned doctor google into my enemy. I have been obsessing over my first beta and whether 30 is really low and no one is telling me. It seems most people have first betas in the hundreds so 30 seems so low and scary. On the other hand my first beta was at 12dpo which is earlier than most. I have also scoured Dr. Google over whether I am not having enough or the "right" symptoms. I have continued to pee on everything that will stand still long enough and have found some comfort in that the lines appear instantly (even with end of the day diluted urine) and are now darker than the test line.
I say FUCK you IF for making this so hard. For taking the joy and excitement out of this. For disappointing me so much I am too worried that this is just another disappointment and cannot let go of the anxiety. FUCK. YOU.
So, I guess for now all I can do is stay in this limbo land until Monday. Luckily I have meeting for most of the day on Monday which should help the day go by without me sitting at my desk watching the clock.
I guess I will end with saying that I hope this complaining doesn't come across as ungratefulness. I know I have gotten farther than some people on this journey ever get and I am forever grateful that at least once in my life I got to see what a bfp looks like. But I just have so much anxiety and worry and no where else to really let it all out but here.
Hey, I don't think you are sound ungrateful because you're worried. I haven't been in your shoes, but if I get there I know I will be scared out of my mind for (hopefully) 9 months. Plus the rest of my life. I think 30 sounds fine for 12 dpo! 12 dpo IS really early - earlier than some people's missed period! Still, I understand why you're anxious and I just want you to know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. FX for you!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much! Your kind words help more than you know. <3
DeleteI'm sorry I didn't read this post until now. I COMPLETELY understand the feeling of not knowing where you belong anymore and being too scared to trust it yet and go shouting from the rooftops that you're pregnant! IF def steals that from us and it SUCKS. I will say though, it will get better. It's confusing on where to post, worrying your comments may be hurting instead of helping, where you fit in now... I get it. My advice is to just continue to be yourself (the self we all already love!) and try to relax as much as possible even though IF steals so much of that from us. I'm glad you joined SAIF. Big ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Chickin. You don't know how much I appreciate the kind words. I am glad that I have found SAIF. I am still trying to get to know everyone. It is always hard to move from a board where you know everyone to being the "new kid" but I am glad there is support out there. Lots of love and ((hugs)) to you. <3 <3
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